The Front Page // A POET FROM HOLLYWOOD

A POET FROM HOLLYWOOD: LOVE, INSANITY, STEPHEN GYLLENHAAL, AND THE CREATIVE PROCESS

a nightmare of hollywood celebrity

• Chapter 1. “So, This Isn’t Some Kind of Joke” [IN WHICH I MAKE THE ACQUAINTANCE OF THE DIRECTOR OF THE WORST EPISODE OF TWIN PEAKS]
• Chapter 2. “My Family’s Behind Me 100 Percent” [IN WHICH THE ARYAN GOOD LOOKS OF THE GYLLENHAALS ALMOST TOPPLES MY GOOD SENSE]
• Chapter 3. “How Did You Get This Number!?” [IN WHICH I RECREATE THE ACTUAL PHONE EXCHANGE BETWEEN MYSELF AND THAT FINE, FINE OSCAR-NOMINATED SCRIPTWRITER NAOMI FONER]
• Chapter 4. “We Have a Lot of Power in Hollywood” [IN WHICH STEPHEN EATS MY SALAD AND SHOWS US WHO’S BOSS]
• Chapter 5. “I’ve Got a Few More Changes” [IN WHICH STEPHEN IS INTERJECTED INTO OUR MOTHER’S AND FATHER’S DAY CELEBRATIONS; JAKE DOES THE RIGHT THING]
• Chapter 6. “Oh No, My Darling, This is Just the Beginning” [IN WHICH STEPHEN TRIUMPHS AT HIS POETRY READING AND I FINALLY ENCOUNTER HIS WIFE, THAT FINE, FINE OSCAR-NOMINATED SCREENWRITER NAOMI FONER]
• Chapter 7. “I’m Reading for All of Us” [IN WHICH STEPHEN IMPRESSES TED DANSON ON MARTHA’S VINEYARD WHILE WE SWELTER THROUGH AN 8-DAY BLACKOUT IN QUEENS]
• Chapter 8. “You Are Kings and Queens of Your Own Lives” [IN WHICH STEPHEN, GOADED BY NAOMI HIS OSCAR-NOMINATED WIFE, EMOTIONALLY ABUSES SOME SINCERE YOUNG WOMEN AND THEREBY KILLS SALES OF HIS OWN BOOK]
• Chapter 9. “We’ve Had Quite an Adventure” [IN WHICH THE ENTIRE GYLLENHAAL FAMILY IS NEARLY BURNED TO DEATH IN A HAND-OF-GOD HOTEL FIRE; STEPHEN SEEMINGLY TOTALLY UNAFFECTED BY IT]
• Chapter 10. “I’m Making This Place My Spiritual Center” [IN WHICH MORE NUTTY FANS; PLUS STEPHEN TALKS ABOUT SEX, STIFFS A BAR BILL, CHEATS ON HIS WIFE, AND IS WORSHIPPED AS A GOD IN INDIA]
• Chapter 11. “Since Her Father’s Here, I Won’t Read This Poem” [IN WHICH STEPHEN IMAGINES KILLING NAOMI; WE FIND JAKE GYLLENHAAL’S OLD HOME: LEARN ABOUT EMANUEL SWEDENBORG; AND MY PORN PAST IS REVEALED]
• Chapter 12. “I’ve Been Sleeping on Skid Row” [IN WHICH STEPHEN IS TERRIFIED BY A LITTLE FILIPINO WOMAN, AND ACTS IN HIS FIRST MOVIE; PLUS SOME GENUINE SWEDISH HISTORY]
• Chapter 13. “It’s a Multimedia Thing — With Action Figures” [IN WHICH STEPHEN PLANS TO MAKE BIG BUCKS IN MOVIE MERCHANDISING USING THE HOMELESS]
• Chapter 14. “In a Flash, All is Darkness” [IN WHICH THERE’S DEATH, DEATH, DEATH AND STEPHEN GETS LOST IN A CEMETERY]
• Chapter 15. “I Thank My Mother for Choosing My Father” [IN WHICH STEPHEN FAILS TO RECOGNIZE JAKE’S SCREEN FATHER]
• Chapter 16. “Pain Now for Clarity Later” [IN WHICH THERE IS NO EPILOGUE, BUT MAYBE LATER]

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